FRIED, RICH AND SHAVEN 2011

3^rd October– 7^th October 2011

Roseville’s finest carriage arrived at Sandbach to collect the Keiths to carry the Squarrites Northwards through red traffic lights to Manchester Airport.

Flight tickets were issued and, by good luck, Dasher was able to provide Bill’s missing papers from his own collection that he had been able to stuff into his new and smaller suitcase. He was so pleased to have dispensed with his usual bright yellow hard case that he elected to carry the new one on board as hand luggage.

Sid checked his paperwork and selected his front pocket to carry his wallet. “You may still meet pickpockets but at least you get touched up in the process” he explained.

All went well at passport control even though some were asked to “assume the position indicated” in front of the new “see through clothes machine”. You could almost hear the sound of far off laughter.

Dasher’s option to carry his case appeared unwise as he was made to dispose of all liquids including deodorants. He took one last long blast and hoped that the effects would last for 4 days. “One small spray for Dasher, one long smell for the rest” noted Yup.

Keithee was reportedly relieved to hear that Steve had been able to retain his Vaseline.

There was an opportunity for Yup to open his account book and settle outstanding debts for the Mystery Christmas trip, taxi fares and shirts before a slightly delayed boarding

There was the usual free for all to board the plane but Bill found a seat by the emergency door with extra leg room. Yup came as part of the offer and sat beside him to drink a couple of whiskeys. Keithee and Dasher sat together drinking red wine while the rest sat wherever they could find a place.

The terminal at Zurich appeared to be a satellite connected to the main airport building by underground rail. The trains ran at 4 minute intervals and entertained travellers with typical Swiss background noises of alpine cow bells, yodelling and perhaps the more subtle sound of money being counted.

Return tickets for the train to Romanshorn and ferry to Friedrichshafen were purchased at a cost of 74 Swiss Franks or 65 Euros.

The train was just leaving from platform 1 so that a one hour wait had to be taken with a few beers at the Café Spettacola in the concourse.

Several large ladies passed to prompt Sid to comment that “You know when your wife is fat when she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.”

Richie replied “You know when your wife is dead. The sex is the same but the ironing keeps building up.”

Romanshorn appeared to be a pleasant, quiet town with lots of bicycles but little traffic. Yup lead the way around the back streets until he found a small bar claiming to sell pizzas.

The youth at the counter spoke no English and gestured that either the till was locked or he had no change. He was able to provide beer to be drunk in the sunshine while perving at the locals through gaps in the plastic raffia screens.

A young Swiss maid arrived to translate and take the orders.

Most ordered a small pizza at 8 francs while Jacko and Bill shared a gross special at 12 francs.

However Jacko’s careful division to ensure even distribution of the artichoke and pepperoni was clumsy and resulted in a cascade of greasy cheese and tomato down his white trousers.

The sun was sinking over the rooftops as the ferry left for Germany and all went well until the ticket inspector appeared. Jacko panicked as he searched all of his 9 pockets twice over. The combined return ticket was missing and there was no one else he could blame.

The inspector took pity on his miserable face and walked away.

Evening had fallen when the Squarrites landed in Friedrichshafen to drag their cases along the lakeside promenade. Dasher spotted the sign for the Hotel City Krone (Crown) and a rapid check in was made.

Rooms were allocated

307 Yup & Stubbie

203 Sid & Richie

204 Keithee& Dasher

404 Bill & Jacko

A meeting in the hotel bar was arranged for a few beers before a quick exploration of the town with a pint in the underground disco pub before returning to the Pier 40 bar opposite the Hotel.

The bar was full of winos and weirdos and showed female wrestlers on the TV above the head of the well tattooed barmaid. The Squarrites quickly felt at home.

There was no evidence of the “master race” as the locals smoked and stared wildly.

Richie soon struck up a conversation with the bar intellectual that revolved around the merits of area bombing in WW II.

Tuesday 4^th October

The day began with cold showers for everyone though Dasher had been able to swim a couple of lengths of the pool before a warm shower in his speedos.

Breakfast was the usual Continental style but there was bacon that was chewy but tasty. The boiled eggs were raw though the scrambled egg was plentiful.

Yup noted that Keithee had yoghurt in his ear. “Sorry, I’m a trifle deaf.” was the reply.

Yup lead the way to the Tourist Information to inquire about routes to Bregenz (11 Euros by train) in Austria and the Rhine Falls in Switzerland (29 Euros by coach).

The journey to Bregenz involved a change at Lindau but the times of the trains were arranged to avoid any waiting.

Keithee sat by the window and saw the platform sign “Lindau Auten” and made for the door followed by Jacko and a backpacker.

No sooner had Keithee left the train the automatic door started to close. The backpacker pushed forward and was lucky not to have his load guillotined from his back as the sliding door closed tightly and the train moved off.

The remaining Squarrites waved goodbye and the driver gave a happy toot on his horn.

On the platform Keithee and the backpacker stared at the overgrown and deserted station then stared at each other. Neither spoke the other’s language and both were clearly lost.

Yup received a text from Keithee as the Squarrites arrived at Lindau Hbf. The message read “Have we got a plan.”

Luckily Yup and Steve did have a plan and quickly set off in a taxi through the suburbs to collect him.

The remainder sat by the harbour with a cool beer at the Dash Garten and watched the world go by in the warm sunshine.

The team returned successfully and were surprised that the taxi driver spoke good English. His wife was a Yokshire lass.

The taxi fare was apportioned before boarding the train to Bregenz to join the cable car up the mountain. Tickets were bought at a cost of 10 Euros though the pensioners got a 1 Euro discount.

There was a collection of boars and mountain goats in enclosures behind the Berghof.

Richie commented on the height of the fences and was assured by Sid that the fence was the very one jumped by Steve McQueen on his motor bike.

The descent was orderly despite some last minute loo visits and beers were ordered at the lakeside restaurant by the station.

The pork escallops were superb and were followed by more beer and apple strudel.

The waitress asked Yup if he wanted fresh cream, whipped cream or ice cream?

Dasher replied for all “The lot please”

A zeppelin flew over to complete the happy scene.

The train from Bregenz was 5 minutes late in leaving and in danger of missing the connection at Lindau Hbf. The train came in and Yup lead the rush across the platform to board a train marked “Stuttgart”. “Even if the train doesn’t stop the Beer Festival is on” said Yup.

Everyone looked out as the team passed Keithees favourite station but there was no sign of the abandoned backpacker or of any tear stains on the platform.

The sun shone through the windows as one by one everyone nodded off into a half limbo of sleep.

At Friedrichshafen Yup consulted the Tourist Information to find the best route to Meersburg..

The Zeppelin Museum offered reduced visitor charges after 4:00 but closed at 5:00.

Yup’s timing was spot on.

The Museum information boards were mainly in German with only trivial bits in English.

The Zeppelin must have been a massive investment during the 1930’s with evidence of the global network of terminals and anchorage pylons. The frames were built of aluminium lattice space frames riveted together. One engine pod had been preserved and Richie went to touch the flimsy covering to the sound of warning bells and much German remonstration.

A mock up of the interior showed a lounge with a grand piano, bedrooms and a dining room.

They must have seemed the way of the future at the time and certainly had benefits over modern long hauls.

There was only scant mention of the fate of the hydrogen filled Hindenburg with the inferno at Lakehurst, New Jersey in 1937.

(The Hindenburg was the largest Zeppelin ever. It was 972 feet long and weighed 110 tons. Its 7 million cubic feet of hydrogen caught fire at a height of 300 feet when wet mooring ropes conducted static electricity. Though it carried 97 people only 33 people were killed)

The evening was spent with an amble along the promenade to the Marina bar where Richie ordered a Cosmopolitan with extra ice while the remainder settled for a large bottle of wheat beer at 4 Euros each. A group of Americans bowled 10 pins in the adjacent room.

The hungry Squarrites went in search of food but the kebab house was shutting at its advertised time of 10:00. A quick dash to McDonalds at the station proved an equal failure.

The “Ristorante Trulli” was still open and fired up the pizza oven.

Wednesday 5^th October

The day began with an early start and another cold shower

The “Funk Tour” coach arrived outside the rail station and the driver introduced himself in good English that he had learnt when he had lived in America. His lapel badge pronounced his name to be Hams J Buhner but from the back he was surely Leslie Neilson (but don’t call him Shirley).

Additional passengers were collected on the route west and Hams entertained his passengers with happy banter in German only. He was so good that the Squarrites laughed along with the Germans. It was the way he told them.

The route crossed a causeway stabilised by an avenue of poplars to an area once surrounded by the lake infested by symbolic serpents.

The World Heritage site of Reichenau contained the priory of St. Mary & St. Marks.

Hams invited the passengers to see the “Tweezers”

“The Tweezers?”

“Yes” said Hams “The Church’s Tweezers”

“The Church of St Theresa?”

“No” said Hams “the gold tweezers, the tweezers of gold and jewels”

“Ah!” cried the Squarrites “The Church Treasures.”

After such a big build up the treasures turned out to be a disappointing collection of relics of Saints alleged bones and toenails together with ornamental gold covered arcs.

One cabinet claimed to contain Kaiser Karl’s 13kg, 3cm dick.

The journey continued into Switzerland to the town of Stein am Rhine to prompt Stubbee to break into song, “The Stein on the Rhine is all mine all mine” (Lindisfarne 1971)

Hams lead the way to “a cheap place to eat” rather that the expensive places in the town centre. The way led past a house with a field gun in the garden. Hams explained that all Swiss men between the ages of 18 and 45 were enlisted in the army and were required to keep a gun at home. This, he joked, was an example.

The restaurant was in the open air by the river and served traditional Swiss cuisine such as spaghetti and pizza.

Most went for Spaghetti Bolognese that came with a grate your own parmesan grater.

The town was delightful and chocolate box pretty.

The coach toured on to the Rhine Falls and tickets were bought for the boat ride to the island in the falls.

The landing and stairways were crowded but well built with firm handrails made of stainless steel. One woman carried her infant high on her shoulders.

Sid took a deep breath in the spray. “Warmer than the showers in the Hotel” he said.

Richie wondered if salmon could jump such a waterfall. “No trouble” said Keithee “They make it all the way to the top shelf at Tesco”

The Squarrites boarded the ferry and looked back in awe.

“Imagine you were coming up the river in a Lancaster bomber and that was the result” said Sid.

Hams returned the Squarrites back to the station where Jacko was able to buy a combined ferry/rail ticket to Zurich for 24.8 Euros.

Back to the Hotel where Yup decided to go for a swim but was distracted by 2 blonde Teutonic beauties lying in the sauna area with only small towels strategically placed to cover their modesty. Yup was too much of a gentleman to look but it did put him off his swimming.

The Squarrites decided to return to explore Lindau during the evening and Sid soon mastered the machine at the station to buy tickets at cost of 10.6 Euros.

The first stop was at the lushes bar next to Lindau station. The locals were friendly enough and Richie avoided mentioning the war. The bottled beer was cheap, tasty and 8.5% alcohol.

The route to the Irish bar was tortuous but did allow a deeper study of the beautiful town with cobbled streets and architectural gems.

A girl with caterpillar eyebrows at the Irish bar served Kilkenny and Guinness while Bill and Jacko stayed with the wheat beer.

Club sandwich and chips were taken to soak up the beverage.

Yup saved the day again and shepherded the Squarrites back to the station in time to catch the otherwise empty 11:30 train to return to the hotel 12:10.

Thursday 6^th October

Another early start with cold showers to board the ferry bound for Constance.

The fare to Meersburg was 8.5 Euros and Yup collected 10 from each Squarrite and paid the captain. The change was donated to Jacko towards his ticket home and was gratefully received.

The sun shone brightly as most sat on tiers of benches facing the back of the ferry watching people and herons.

Meersburg was pretty and well decorated with flowers. A winery with a grape crusher was sited in the middle of the town and the Squarrites lingered to take in the fermentation aromas.

The way to the Meersburg Castle led up a steep path through a well guarded vineyard.

The Castle claimed itself to be the oldest inhabited castle in Germany dating back to around 1000 a.d.

A programme had been provided and each Squarrite read the appropriate section to each numbered station.

The dungeon was particularly interesting and appeared to have only one access through an open hole in the floor through which prisoners were lowered on a wooden bar 9 metres to the floor.

Germany’s greatest poet of the 19^th Century, Annette von Droste-Hulshoff, had lived in the castle for 7 years and her deathbed (1841) took pride of display.

Yup admired the Basil Fawltey moose and other antlers on the wall but accepted that they were too dear.

The café on the castle terrace was bathed in sunshine as the Squarrites took a break with light refreshment.

The team continued on up the hill to catch the bendy bus from the stop by the church.

The fare was cheap and proved even cheaper when the driver gestured that the charge was for a group of four.

Sid led the way to the station and, with the skills he’d learnt the previous day, soon had the tickets for Lindau from the machine timed at 15:33

Jacko commented that most of his photos had been of Squarrites as they walked away.

It was in such ways that he had first learnt of his own baldness.

“Full hair from the front but like a baboon’s arse from the back” said Sid.

Depends which way round you’re looking said Keithee.

Lindau was just as pretty but the Irish bar was closed.

Beers at Hugo’s were taken in the street as the rain began to fall.

The Irish bar opened at 17:00 and several beers were taken with a communal plate of chips.

There was a feel of autumn in the air and someone mentioned Christmas prompting Keithee to comment that he had been so upset to learn the truth about Santa Clause that he had to have a day off work.

The journey back had a musical theme with Sid’s “Ideal Group” game.

His nominations for best drummer included Cosy Powell but he had forgotten which group he played for and had to ring home for the answer. .(The answer was just about every group including Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, Rainbow, Whitesnake etc.)

The good thing about the curry house was that it was next to the hotel. The food was simple and the choice of naans was limited, despite Stubbees requests.

There was still a great thirst despite all the beer and wine to require a final visit to Pier 40. The customers and the television show were just as weird but the beer was good.

Most left before the bewitching hour of 1:00 am before the Hotel Krone doors were to be locked though Sid and Keithee stayed for a few more and had to beg a late entrance.

Friday 7^th October

Accounts were settled with reductions for the cold showers and the Squarrites made their way to the ferry over to Switzerland where Keithee expected everyone to speak Swiss.

The train to Zurich was waiting with seats available on the upper deck.

Airport duty frees were purchased before heading for drinks. The bar had obviously been designed for waitress service, with the tills on the customer side and the beer taps on the other. The waitress finished serving and then made her way round to the till by which time she had forgotten what she had served and to whom.

The flight home was delayed by 30 minutes but the journey was uneventful.

Roseville’s mini bus turned up within minutes and the driver sped off towards the motorway before a sharp turn to Wilmslow.

“It’s Chocka!” he exclaimed. “The M6 is total chocka.”

The Keiths made a hurried revision to their plans to get home as the bus followed the A34 southwards.

Keithee and Jacko made a quick exit in Congleton to wave goodbye to another great adventure.